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5 Questions You Need To Ask To Set Personal Boundaries Like a Queen

Everywhere we turn somebody is crossing our boundaries and depleting our energy. Most of the time we are not aware they have done it until after the fact and then we get frustrated, angry or are just left feeling drained and horrible.But we don't have to be left feeling this way if we take the time to ask ourselves these 5 simple questions...

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by MellyS in blog
6 August 2019

5 Questions You Need To Ask To Set Personal Boundaries Like a Queen

‘NO! NO! NO!’ You scream over and over again inside. ‘No I don’t want to do that! I have enough to do as it is. Just do it yourself!’ And yet what comes out of your mouth?

“Sure Billy. Just leave it on my pile and I’ll get to it as soon as I can.”

I know, you know this situation well.

Your kids do it to you…
Your partner does it to you…
Your boss…
Your clients…
That checkout chick…

Everywhere we turn somebody is crossing our boundaries and depleting our energy. Most of the time we are not aware they have done it until after the fact and then we get frustrated, angry or are just left feeling drained and horrible.

But we don’t have to be left feeling this way if we take the time to ask ourselves these 5 simple questions:

  1. What do I want?
  2. What DON’T I want?
  3. Where do these sit on my scale?
  4. How will I enforce these?
  5. What are the consequences?

QUESTION ONE: WHAT DO I WANT?

Seems a simple enough question, but when was the last time you truly took time to contemplate it. What do you want? How do you wish to be treated by others? Do you want respect or do you want affection? Would you prefer to be persuaded or do you prefer a direct request?

If you are struggling with this question, please reach out to schedule your free 30 Minute Reclaim Your Life session with me.

QUESTION TWO: WHAT DON’T I WANT?

Now this one is pretty easy for us to answer. Just look at all the times someone crossed your boundaries in the past and left you feeling angry, used or deflated. Now add those moments to your ‘dont want’ list.

Things like: I don’t want to be hugged by strangers or I don’t want Billy to dump more work on my desk because he’s too lazy to do it himself!

QUESTION THREE: WHERE DO THESE SIT ON MY SCALE?

Once you have your Do & Don’t list, its time to look at your flexibility scale. Some of the items on the list will be set in stone and non-negotiable. Things like being treated with kindness and having your physical boundaries respected.

But what about the others? There are some things on the list that have a sliding scale. For example: You know you DO want affection. Maybe that means you love hugs but are you going to ask for and accept hugs from every person you meet or is it only going to be a select few?

QUESTION FOUR: HOW WILL I ENFORCE THESE?

So you have your list and you know how flexible or non-negotiable you are on those personal boundaries, but at this point in time, nobody else knows. So what are you going to do to enforce these with others?

You can’t just walk around with a shirt that says: ‘These are my personal boundaries. Cross them at your own peril.’ (Or can you?) But how will anybody know where your boundaries are if you do not tell them?

Have you ever said ‘Please don’t speak to me like that.’ when your boss is being too direct. Or when Billy drops yet another file on your ever-increasing inbox have you ever said ‘No Billy. I have too much on my plate right now. You will have to do it yourself.’

Until you speak up, how is anybody going to know where your boundaries are?

QUESTION FIVE: WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES IF MY BOUNDARIES ARE CROSSED?

Now every once in a while, even once you have stated your boundaries, somebody is going to cross them intentionally. Maybe you’ve said to your kids for the umpteenth time that ‘Mummy needs some alone time right now.’ and yet they are still there, banging on the pantry door to get your attention while you are chomping down on the last Mars Bar.

What are the consequences if someone crosses your boundary? Now keep in mind that original question: What do I have control over?

With the kids, its quite easy to say “If you continue crossing my boundary after I have asked you to stop, there will be no dessert tonight.” I don’t think this is going to have quite the same impact on Billy at work though.

If he continues dropping work on your desk, even after you have set your boundaries, maybe its time to talk to a supervisor.

WHAT IF NONE OF THIS WORKS…

What if you know what you do and don’t want, you have stated your boundaries to this person and they intentionally continue to overstep time and time again… what do you do then?

Chances are you have no control over the other person dumping work on your desk, or your kids constantly asking for more or the random checkout chick who is having a hard day and has decided to take it out on you. But there is always one thing you do have control over… YOU. You can control how you respond in these situations and you control whether you let it affect you or whether you choose to walk away.

You have control over YOU. 

And with that knowledge alone, that is how you set your personal boundaries like a Queen.


Author, Keynote Speaker, Trainer, Facilitator, Videographer, Award Winning Photographer, Host & Founder #courage1000project
MellyS The Story Collector
Helping women reclaim their confidence, joy and purpose, in business and in life, so they can be who they are truly meant to be. READ MORE>>

Are you feeling stuck or struggling with something right now? Ready to find the courage to get unstuck and move forward with confidence? Claim your free personalised insights today.

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